Or morning, or afternoon, whatever time of the day it happens to be, I guess. This blog has been a long time coming. That’s what happens when you’re unsure of what is actually happening in your life: you avoid telling anyone specific details about what is going on because you’re not sure if you would even say the right things.
I have been in Phoenix, without my husband, for six months now. I have no plans to return to the Chicago area, and he is aware of that.
Sorting all of this out doesn’t come easily to me, as I always thought I’d be married forever. I felt like God gave me my marriage, and that meant that it was going to be hard, but good; tough, but enduring. I thought my husband and I would be one of those old couples who are still capable of making each other laugh with a stupid inside joke 20 or 30 years later. I wanted that with everything in my soul when I got married. God, or the universe, or life, or luck, or other people, or a terrible combination of the aforementioned had another idea in mind. I’m coming to accept the previously un-thinkable idea that my journey is elsewhere, no matter how much that hurts and feels like an impossible nightmare at moments. This is my life, and time marches forward, unrelenting and uncaring that I’d like it to stop and back up just a bit so I can breathe and evaluate what brought me here.
I won’t get into specifics because I feel like having a blog or a social media account doesn’t mean that you need to spill everything out into the world all the time, especially at the potential expense of others. As a writer, I’m tempted to bare my soul for you all, as I often do, but in this case, I simply can’t bare too much. And that’s okay. You don’t need to know everything in order to know this: marriage is complicated, sometimes loving someone looks differently than you thought it would, nothing actually lasts forever (though we love it when it lasts ‘til death because it’s grand, sweeping, dramatic, and beautiful), and that I’m going to be okay.
Unfortunately, it’s really easy, even within (or especially within) Christian culture to start pointing fingers at people whose marriages fall apart. Maybe you’ve heard people say that divorce is un-biblical, or that it’s different for us (people who are saved) because we’re supposed to know better; as if having a hard marriage is to be expected for non-Christians, but not for people who love God. Maybe you’ve said those things yourself, even if just to reinforce your own ideas about what you think your marriage should look like. Please, don’t point fingers when I tell you that my marriage fell apart, or speculate about who didn’t love God enough. Please don’t tell me stupid things like, “This is going to be terrible for the kids” as if I need your guilt on top of my own to crush me while I try to sleep at night and fail. As if I don’t know how terrible it is for all of us. Divorce is terrible. I think anyone who has been here or even seen the view from right over the ridge could tell you that none of us want to be in this situation. If God is bigger than all the other problems in the world, than He’s bigger than this, too. We’re all going to be okay, okay?
Life gets in the way of the things we think we are going to have, doesn’t it?
As for me, I am finishing up my final semester at ASU for my bachelor’s degree in English, and I plan on graduating this Spring. When I wrote about homeschooling and going to college at the same time, I had no idea that I would soon be dealing with an even more frenetic pace juggling a job, public school, college, a home, and a toddler. Whew! I haven’t been here because I’ve been thinking, writing for myself, and journaling in private, but I also haven’t been here because I’ve been slammed to the wall with work every single day to the point where sometimes I feel like my head may explode.
That can happen, right? Spontaneous combustion from being overworked? I think that’s a thing.
With that in mind, I don’t plan on blogging for another three to four months, and then I will re-evaluate what I want to do. So many people come to visit my blog to read homeschooling reviews (which I no longer write), or to see craft/gardening posts (two hobbies that are not on my radar right now as I try to flip my life back right-side-up again), so I don’t know if the interest is even there for me to continue posting my current journey in this blog.
Thank you to everyone who comes here to check in on me and see how my family and I are doing, and please feel free to check out all of my past blogs. There’s still awesome content in the archives that I worked hard on for years, so check it out! If you have any opinion on whether you’d still like to follow my blog, even if I go outside of the realm of homeschooling and urban homesteading, please comment and let me know. You all are awesome, and I have missed my blog immensely. I hope to pick up the pieces of it at some point. Until then, take care of one another.